For the Guilty

I write this for the guilty

For those whose pockets

Are too rocky with dirt

Whose hands are weathered

Whose hearts are calloused 

I wish I could sing to you

Slip into the tender side

Of your nature

Like the Man in Black

I wish there were more songs

For you

I can not pretend to understand

You-- the how & why of you

And sometimes

I hate you

But more & more

I realize

That what makes

Somebody one of you

Changes

And how much

You deserve

Depends

On 

Cruel, stupid things

And if I were to measure myself

Honestly

When I measure myself honestly

I am guilty, too

December 8, 1980

Kindergarten 

My parents' record collection

Already beloved

His face

Seen daily

It seemed.

So when his face appeared

On television--

The smart Beatle

Who loved Yoko

Without apology--

When I saw his face

I knew he was gone.

Laundry List

Trespassing

Vandalism

Drag racing

Underage drinking

Underage sex

Rape:

Date & Gang

Child molestation

Theft: 

Of money

Of jewelry

Of tapes/CDs

Of Identity.

Drug use

Drug dealing

Drugging food & drinks

Fighting:

One on one

Ten on one

Skater Punks vs Stoners.

Carrying &

Using weapons

Stalking: 

In cars

On foot

Online.

Bullying

Harassment

Torturing animals

Killing animals

Illegal:

Gun ownership

Pornography

Prescriptions

Downloads.

Fraud:

Tax

Insurance

Academic.

Bad checks

Perjury

Black market:

Buying & Selling

Stolen, 

Smuggled, or

Counterfeited 

Goods.

Resisting arrest

Evading authorities

Domestic violence

Manslaughter

...

... I

Witnessed it

Knew about it

Was a victim of it

Or did it.

...

...We 

Were rarely arrested.

Never killed.

The World

I am tempted to ignore all I see.
I am tempted to ignore all I hear.
No, do not tell me. No, do not tell me.
Do not show me Pain. Do not show me Fear.
It is not my wish to cover my eyes
To pretend all is well when it's Madness
Or wish the wish true with comforting lies
No such trick has ever fooled my Sadness
But you, finite, yet full & filling still,
Have more than I, infinite, yet brimming,
Can stand. The stem will break. My heart will spill
Into the deep end where I am swimming.
Raining, yet the ocean is blue-- but why?
It's like the water has hope for the sky.

Meanwhile, people

So the final creep

Of Tyranny

Has unlocked 

The prison door

In Egypt

And 

A dozen

Or so

Women

Have been raped

And have been 

Saying so

For awhile

But it takes

A man telling jokes

For people to

Notice

Meanwhile

A man

Just admitted

He was raped

And people

Noticed right away

If only to roll their eyes

Blame him

Shame him

And likely 

Not believe it

Meanwhile

Ex-boyfriends

Still shoot

Their ex-girlfriends

Dead

And people

Still punch each other

In the face

For TVs & purses

And people

Are saying the things

"America" said

When sheriffs

Also wore sheets

And people use 

The word "Freedom"

When they mean

"Force"

Meanwhile

I will still have to 

Walk the long way

Home

When somebody 

Blocks the path

It will be my fault-

Long pants & three layers-

For being out

And people still

Don't understand

How stupid it is

How dangerous it is

To insist the oppressed

Keep oppressing themselves

Because it is safer to

Just comply

It is unfair but

You'll be safe

Until somebody

Decides to 

Block the path

If my favorite

Sports team was playing

I'd set a car on fire

Lost Omni

Does anybody remember that show Voyagers! ...?

Or Quantum Leap?

Both shows portrayed Time

As finite

A modern rendering

Of the Fates' tapestry

Only sometimes

A thread would

Be out of line

Pulled loose

Or broken

And the voyagers--

Phineas Bogg &

Jeffrey Jones--

Would need to 

Weave it back into place

Or Dr. Sam Beckett

Would repair the tapestry

And leap to the next

Tangle 

They put things back

To the Way They Should Be

And I feel like

That there is supposed to be

A Jeffrey Jones

Or Sam Beckett

Or somebody with

A mysteriously impressive

Pocket watch

(or screwdriver)

Fixing things

Somebody with nimble fingers

And a handlink 

Leaping to those spots

Where our leaders failed

Or died

To those places

Where everybody is heartsick

Blind

Battle worn

I am sure

That some of these knots

Are not supposed to be here

Maybe Phineas

Stopped listening to Jeffrey

Because he fell in love

Hard enough 

To let the threads tangle

And break

Maybe Sam really

Did leap home 

Finally.

Maybe he needed Al

In order to see the 

Tapestry

Maybe we need

Our time travelers

To be heartsick

Themselves

Never resolving their pasts

Never correcting mistakes

Maybe we need them

Tangled & broken

With threads pulled loose

Maybe the Fates

Do what they can

Gnarled fingers poking through

Taut, twisted yarn

Maybe dreaming

Of time travelers 

Has ruined us.

We are Time travelers already

Going one way

Going forward

Forgetting the picture

Woven behind us

And no Ziggy

(or doctor)

To put us right.

Tell Me "Merry Christmas"

Let me say,
As we usher in
The holiday season,
That I am totally OK
With the phrase
"Merry Christmas"
And if you want to
Tell me
"Merry Christmas"
As a tiding of goodwill
Then yes, of course
Tell me
"Merry Christmas"
I will likely say
The same exact thing
Back to you
But please, if I slip
And say
"Happy Holidays!"
Or if I greet you first
And I am in a
Groove
And I say to you,
Dear Christmas adherent,
"Happy Holidays!"
Please do not be angry
Please don't assume I'm
Missing the point
When I was young
"Happy Holidays"
Meant "Happy Thanksgiving
After which, I hope
You have a
Merry Christmas,
Followed by a festive
New Year's!"
Truth be told,
It means more
To me now.
It also means
"I don't know exactly what you celebrate
But I hope it is joyful & lovely"
And yes
It also means
"Happy Hanukkah"
And "Happy Solstice"
And other holy observances
That sometimes coincide
With the Christmas season
It applies to atheists
Because they actually
Love their families
And getting a day off
And I want them to
Have a good time
So yeah
"Happy Holidays"
Is a sort of loaded phrase.
I can not speak for everyone
But I know for myself
And the people in my life--
The ones who like
"Happy Holidays"--
This phrase is not loaded
With animosity or contempt
We do not say it
To spite you
And any request
For schools or businesses
Or public figures
To consider
"Happy Holidays"
Or "Season's Greetings"
Is rooted in our love
For each other.
I still have a hard time
Remembering
The holiest days
Of some of my friends
Because, growing up,
My school
My calendar
My neighborhood
Didn't care
Well, I care now
There is nothing wrong
With kindness mixed
With brevity
And what's wrong with being
A little generic--
"Hello, stranger.
I am extending kindness
To you, no matter
Who you are or
How you worship."
What is wrong with that?
I believe you
When you say
That "Merry Christmas"
Means that also
I believe you
When you say
That Christ is
The Reason for the Season
You are celebrating the birth
Of the Savior of the World
So I WANT you
To say, "Merry Christmas!"
I want to hear your joy
Thank you for sharing
Your joy with me
You like saying, "Merry Christmas"
Then say it to me!
Say "Merry Christmas"
Because you love Jesus
Say "Merry Christmas"
Because you grew up saying it
Say "Merry Christmas"
Because "Chriss-Muss"
Is sing-songy and
Fun to say
Merry Christmas!
I trust you.
I trust your goodwill.
This time of year
We are encouraged to
Be kind
So, when I
Or somebody
Shares their joy
And says
"Happy Holidays!"
I hope you trust me.
I hope you trust them.
At the very least
I hope you are kind.
Merry Christmas.

Grateful & Pissed

It will be Thanksgiving in a couple of days

And there have been all kinds of "Be grateful" memes

Ticking past my eyes

Oh, sure

I am grateful

I am grateful for hugs & I love you's

And "All the Things"

I get it.

I know.

I am also grateful that

I am white.

Oh, I deal with 

Misogyny

And homophobia

And classicism

And religious bigotry

All those things suck

Hard

But whew! What a relief

That I am wearing

A potent dose of privilege 

24/7

Thank the fucking gods!

I am grateful

God damn it.

I am grateful.

I am not ashamed.

I don't feel guilty.

I feel pissed off.

Fuck this--

I will not entertain debate on this--

I will not boo hoo about the times

My day sucked a little

Because a brown person 

Was mean to me 

As if that's proof

That "they" don't have it so hard

And just need to behave themselves

And stop making this about race

Because it is about race

Fuck!

It is about race.

Every day.

All the time.

Race.

Race.

Race.

It has never been about just one boy.

One boy is not enough

For us

And oh my gods! I am so lucky--

The times I misbehaved

The times my white friends misbehaved

Fire, fighting, fucking

Mayhem!--

And got away with it

Or didn't

But lived to tell the tale.

I am grateful

People lived 

To tell the tale

But being thankful

Does not change the fact

That too many people

Are dead

Some of us

Will riot about

Football coaches

And Pumpkins

But uncapping Rage

Because of Injustice

Is for "savages".

One circumstance

That can be 

Parlayed into

"He deserved it"

Does not dismantle

The reality

Of why

I feel gratitude.

I will not delude myself

With hypotheticals

That will never

Be tested in court.

I am grateful

And that pisses me off.

That I am just that much

More likely to live

My husband and child

More likely to live

While some people

Are more likely to die

No matter what

More likely to die

What a relief

That I can be this pissed off

And safe

Love Letter to the Goblin King (from 2010... or sooner)

Love Letter to the Goblin King

You are everywhere to me

In every myth. In every dream, be it false or true

Along the labyrinthine underground

All pathways lead to you.

I used to cry for mercy

And plead I had no choice

As rose your chariot from the Abyss

And I heard your threatening voice

"Sweet child in the meadow. Come with me just awhile.

Ignore the changing landscape

That arrives with your exile."

Enveloped in the darkest tomb,

Inside the blackest cave,

You implored I need only fear you

And you would be my slave.

Bend to your will at every turn

"I promise. I'll behave."

I did come to you and I did despair

Eventually succumbing to my hunger.

Yet even now I would yield

As I did when I was younger.

Oh, Goblin King, Devil, Darkness, Hades

Worry not. I will not forsake Thee.

But understand, my Tyrant Love,

You have no power over me.

Trigger

Trigger warnings

They're a thing now

Because we are no longer

Discreet with our words

We are no longer keeping 

Secrets

For Tyrants

We are testifying

We are accusing

We are confessing

Trigger warning

Because the footage

Is disturbing

The death

Gruesome

The details

Triggering

The details

Are triggering

The details 

Send little shivers

Through the neural pathways

That curve

Like fingers

The details

Bump the trigger

Of an already-cocked

Gun

Triggering, see

It is the essence of 

Everything

What will fire the gun

What will play with our hearts

Send the bullets 

Through our heads

Maybe if a 

Priest & a Rabbi

Walk into a bar

Or tinkling piano music plays

Or another black boy dies

The details

Trigger

Us

To laugh

Or cry

Or give up

Some of us give up

And some of us 

Run for our lives

Run and run

And some of us

Are cocked

And ready

To explode

NOW

We are on fire

NOW 

Chaos

NOW

The details

NOW

NOW

NOW

On the ground

NOW

Everything you fear

NOW

Everything that hurts you

NOW

You are triggered

NOW

People are dead

Now

We are still sorting out

The details

Gravity Works

I was one wailing cry away from a breakdown today
I was in tears & choking & fretting
And threatening to just leave
Just leave
Fuck work
Fuck you
I'm leaving
And I knew it was unseemly
But the dam was broken
The tears were falling
Gravity
Is like that
I wanted to
"Take a break"
Leave the room
But
I couldn't speak for myself
I was too busy
Hiding my face
My throat kept closing
Except
For when the wail
Threatened
To come
It would have been better
To have that moment
In a discreet corner
Rather than the shop window
Oh, well
I managed to get on with it
Anyway
So many steps
I can't take alone
So I go nowhere
I was nowhere
Before the swell
Comparing Mork
With Spock
Thinking
My daughter needs
To see Dead Poet's Society
I was nowhere
When my throat closed up
And the tears rolled
And nobody else said
"Let's go, just for a minute."
I was nowhere
Wearing that cracked face
A wail poised for release
A rambling monologue
Filling my head
When somebody
Asked me if
I liked comedy
Because that is the perfect lead-in
To a comic's death
The thespian's mask
Turned upside down
Funny, yes?
Your fragile heart
Which resides inside a weak, mundane shell
Will love this one
A sensitive, tender genius
Is dead
Suicide maybe
How do you like them apples?
I nearly cussed the guy out
For BSing me on a day
Like today
I don't know how
I made it home
I was falling
The whole way

Setting

Damn you, Brett
Damn your beauty
Even the clothes yield
The hair yields
The unladylike
Airs of your language
Yield
And lilt
Men
Drink themselves mad
For you
But
I am too shattered
By the tumult
The world is sick
We don't need
World Wars
To make it so
But we are
At war
No authority
Has announced it
So we think we are
At peace
We think it is all
Over There
And not here
And not us
But it is
All Here
And all us
You don't know
What your beauty
Does to the world
I still see it
As I blink these tears away
And pour myself another drink

code ah

I could be
Transcendent, free
Ones & zeros
Binary
No eyes, yet See
No soul, yet Me
Self. Still myself?
Mockery
No water, yet sea
No locking, yet key
Windows? Doors? None.
Think it. Flee.

Thursday

The past
Throw it back
And let go

Ether

Into the ether
The Silence
The Void
The continuity
Beneath the
White noise
From here
The horsemen
Ride
From here
Branes
Collide
That's not the ocean
In the shell
That's blood
No Quiet
Only echos
Of the flood

Asshole

Have you ever heard that saying
If you meet more than three assholes
In a day, then you are probably
The asshole
?
I am pretty sure
That I am
An asshole.
The sickest part
Of realizing this
Is that I don't mind
Not really.
I sort of mind
That I don't mind.
But it seems
So rude
To pretend.
I can actually
Bite my tongue
For a long time
My mouth will be
Filled with blood
Before I tell you off
(If you're the reason)
But when I do
Blood will
Spatter your face
And I will not
Feel bad
My affection
For people
Intensifies
Or it fades
I am honest
But I choose my battles
Perhaps that is the problem
Maybe I should put up
A fight
Every. Fucking. Time.
Fight every thing
So you never think
I agree with you
When I don't
So you never think
I believe your lies
When I don't
So you never think
I admire you
When I don't
But so much of it
Is made of little things
Trivial things
Why fuss over that
Again and
Again and
Again
It chips away at me
All those little things
And some of them
Are not so little
At all
But why fight?
Why not
Enjoy each other's
Company?
Ah----
There it is!
Do I enjoy your company?
Your humor?
Your kindness?
Your confidence?
Your friendship?
Is it mutual---
This company?
Oh, dear---
I do hope you know the answer.
Most of those in my heart
Know the answer
Because most people
Even assholes
Pay attention
To more than
Their own interests
But if every thing
You pay attention to
Is about you
Only you
Even those things
You're learning/doing/whatever
Are about you
And your friends
Are about you
And why you
Do anything
For anyone
Is about what you like
What you get
What you want
To the point
That even the world
And its problems
Ultimately
Hone in on you
And ruin your good time
Then you
Might want to
Cover your face.
A wise asshole
Once told me
"Don't work at working!"
Framing everything
In nice, inoffensive
Language
Is too much work
Biting my tongue
Has become
Too much work
The results
Don't justify
The effort
So,
I am loosening my tongue
And letting the blood
Fly

A Wild Thing

Mr. Sendak

I want your heart

I would eat it 

If I could

Even now

I would gulp down

The ashes

Of your rage

And roar a 

Terrible Roar

And manifest

The spikes

Of your sensitivity

Your pain

Your madness

Your aggressive

Dismissal

Of almost

Everything

I would 

Impale the world

With my honesty

And the grumbling

Bite

Of my love

I would remake you

And hurt through it

As you hurt through it

Hurt every day

I would revel in the pain

To be as strong

As you

quietly

I used to work at a little store in Berkeley
I didn't work there very long
The owner told me to keep a closer eye
On the teenage black girls
In. Fucking. Berkeley.
Right up the street
From Berkeley High
Really?
I did what many white girls do
I gaped at him in disbelief
I think I said something about
Teenage girls in general
(No much better a view)
But I needed the work
So I looked for a new job
Quietly
I got hired
At The Gap
Of all places
And weirdly
The climate was better
I wish I had been a customer
In that other store
Instead of an employee
It would have felt so good
To tell the owner
To fuck off
"I AM NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN"
Go out and tell everybody what he said
But instead
I was hustling
And needing to stay
On his good side
After I left
I did often tell people what he said
Quietly
"Off the record"
Because I didn't know
How long I might
Need a good reference
From a former employer
Needing a paycheck
Needing a reference
Needing
Jesus! I didn't even need it
As bad as some
Just enough to
Bend over
The fucking 99%
Of us
Bend over
In some way
In some shameful way
And it pisses me off
That I actually had it better
Than many
Necessity
It's what masks
Are made of
I still have a smile
On standby
For bosses like that
Just in case

The Perils of Being a Browncoat

I don't even know how many

Browncoats notice

How hard it is to be a Browncoat

Because well, c'mon

We are only Browncoats

In the cosplay sense

Aren't we?

Because The Independents,

The Outer Planets

Aren't really a thing

Difficulty #1: 

Being so passionately 

Invested in something

That is not a Thing

OK-- Most Browncoats

Know that one.

So maybe you, like so many

Fans & Fellowships,

Idealize the Thing

That is Not a Thing--

Many Browncoats'

Love of The Black

Is rooted in their familiarity 

With the Final Frontier

We are Boffins

Bouncing about in Boxes

That are

Bigger on the Inside

Yes. 

We get that.

So we turn

Musings

Into

Myth

Follow the Prime Directive

Contemplate 

Wibbly-Wobbly

Timey-Wimey

Stuff

And Aim

To Misbehave.

I wonder how many

Browncoats have noticed

That Browncoats

Were Libertarians

Or Jeffersonian

In the very least

Vying for autonomy

From the large central

Body

Nationalized Nothing

"You Can't Take 

The Sky From Me"

Difficulty #2:

Reconciling Values

Here we are in our

Browncoats

A mass of 

Independents

How many of us

Would fight against

Unification

Really?

How many of us

Would brave the 

Hardships of Liberty

For Liberty's sake?

How many of us

Would vote with our

Feet

And move away

From laws we didn't 

Like?

How many Browncoats

Would put a gun

In that holster

And fight

The glittering ships

Of the Inner Planets

With their medicine

And education

And pretty temples?

Would you even want to?

Would you be willing to let

The zealots burn their witches

So you could homestead?

Would you let the fires rage next door

In hopes the witches 

Came knocking and asked

For Amnesty?

The Alliance is a 

Beacon of Democracy

Supposedly

Maybe just tattle on the zealots

And let the Purplebellies handle it

Difficulty #3: Being on the

Losing Side

Oh, sure

We play like it is "so cool"

To be the weathered

Idealist

Against the grain

For the rest of our days

Aren't we cool?

Dressing up as

Rebel soldiers

Veterans of a pretend war

That we would never actually fight

Because we are not willing

To take risks

And be free.

How many Browncoats

Are Browncoats

How many

Of us

Would fight

To keep the sky

And nothing else

Nothing. Else.

But the Sky