Grateful & Pissed

It will be Thanksgiving in a couple of days

And there have been all kinds of "Be grateful" memes

Ticking past my eyes

Oh, sure

I am grateful

I am grateful for hugs & I love you's

And "All the Things"

I get it.

I know.

I am also grateful that

I am white.

Oh, I deal with 

Misogyny

And homophobia

And classicism

And religious bigotry

All those things suck

Hard

But whew! What a relief

That I am wearing

A potent dose of privilege 

24/7

Thank the fucking gods!

I am grateful

God damn it.

I am grateful.

I am not ashamed.

I don't feel guilty.

I feel pissed off.

Fuck this--

I will not entertain debate on this--

I will not boo hoo about the times

My day sucked a little

Because a brown person 

Was mean to me 

As if that's proof

That "they" don't have it so hard

And just need to behave themselves

And stop making this about race

Because it is about race

Fuck!

It is about race.

Every day.

All the time.

Race.

Race.

Race.

It has never been about just one boy.

One boy is not enough

For us

And oh my gods! I am so lucky--

The times I misbehaved

The times my white friends misbehaved

Fire, fighting, fucking

Mayhem!--

And got away with it

Or didn't

But lived to tell the tale.

I am grateful

People lived 

To tell the tale

But being thankful

Does not change the fact

That too many people

Are dead

Some of us

Will riot about

Football coaches

And Pumpkins

But uncapping Rage

Because of Injustice

Is for "savages".

One circumstance

That can be 

Parlayed into

"He deserved it"

Does not dismantle

The reality

Of why

I feel gratitude.

I will not delude myself

With hypotheticals

That will never

Be tested in court.

I am grateful

And that pisses me off.

That I am just that much

More likely to live

My husband and child

More likely to live

While some people

Are more likely to die

No matter what

More likely to die

What a relief

That I can be this pissed off

And safe

Love Letter to the Goblin King (from 2010... or sooner)

Love Letter to the Goblin King

You are everywhere to me

In every myth. In every dream, be it false or true

Along the labyrinthine underground

All pathways lead to you.

I used to cry for mercy

And plead I had no choice

As rose your chariot from the Abyss

And I heard your threatening voice

"Sweet child in the meadow. Come with me just awhile.

Ignore the changing landscape

That arrives with your exile."

Enveloped in the darkest tomb,

Inside the blackest cave,

You implored I need only fear you

And you would be my slave.

Bend to your will at every turn

"I promise. I'll behave."

I did come to you and I did despair

Eventually succumbing to my hunger.

Yet even now I would yield

As I did when I was younger.

Oh, Goblin King, Devil, Darkness, Hades

Worry not. I will not forsake Thee.

But understand, my Tyrant Love,

You have no power over me.

Trigger

Trigger warnings

They're a thing now

Because we are no longer

Discreet with our words

We are no longer keeping 

Secrets

For Tyrants

We are testifying

We are accusing

We are confessing

Trigger warning

Because the footage

Is disturbing

The death

Gruesome

The details

Triggering

The details

Are triggering

The details 

Send little shivers

Through the neural pathways

That curve

Like fingers

The details

Bump the trigger

Of an already-cocked

Gun

Triggering, see

It is the essence of 

Everything

What will fire the gun

What will play with our hearts

Send the bullets 

Through our heads

Maybe if a 

Priest & a Rabbi

Walk into a bar

Or tinkling piano music plays

Or another black boy dies

The details

Trigger

Us

To laugh

Or cry

Or give up

Some of us give up

And some of us 

Run for our lives

Run and run

And some of us

Are cocked

And ready

To explode

NOW

We are on fire

NOW 

Chaos

NOW

The details

NOW

NOW

NOW

On the ground

NOW

Everything you fear

NOW

Everything that hurts you

NOW

You are triggered

NOW

People are dead

Now

We are still sorting out

The details

Gravity Works

I was one wailing cry away from a breakdown today
I was in tears & choking & fretting
And threatening to just leave
Just leave
Fuck work
Fuck you
I'm leaving
And I knew it was unseemly
But the dam was broken
The tears were falling
Gravity
Is like that
I wanted to
"Take a break"
Leave the room
But
I couldn't speak for myself
I was too busy
Hiding my face
My throat kept closing
Except
For when the wail
Threatened
To come
It would have been better
To have that moment
In a discreet corner
Rather than the shop window
Oh, well
I managed to get on with it
Anyway
So many steps
I can't take alone
So I go nowhere
I was nowhere
Before the swell
Comparing Mork
With Spock
Thinking
My daughter needs
To see Dead Poet's Society
I was nowhere
When my throat closed up
And the tears rolled
And nobody else said
"Let's go, just for a minute."
I was nowhere
Wearing that cracked face
A wail poised for release
A rambling monologue
Filling my head
When somebody
Asked me if
I liked comedy
Because that is the perfect lead-in
To a comic's death
The thespian's mask
Turned upside down
Funny, yes?
Your fragile heart
Which resides inside a weak, mundane shell
Will love this one
A sensitive, tender genius
Is dead
Suicide maybe
How do you like them apples?
I nearly cussed the guy out
For BSing me on a day
Like today
I don't know how
I made it home
I was falling
The whole way

Setting

Damn you, Brett
Damn your beauty
Even the clothes yield
The hair yields
The unladylike
Airs of your language
Yield
And lilt
Men
Drink themselves mad
For you
But
I am too shattered
By the tumult
The world is sick
We don't need
World Wars
To make it so
But we are
At war
No authority
Has announced it
So we think we are
At peace
We think it is all
Over There
And not here
And not us
But it is
All Here
And all us
You don't know
What your beauty
Does to the world
I still see it
As I blink these tears away
And pour myself another drink

code ah

I could be
Transcendent, free
Ones & zeros
Binary
No eyes, yet See
No soul, yet Me
Self. Still myself?
Mockery
No water, yet sea
No locking, yet key
Windows? Doors? None.
Think it. Flee.

Thursday

The past
Throw it back
And let go